Horoscopes by Max
Submitted by Max
Aires
Compared to Tardigrades, humans are virtually insignificant. The population ratio of tardigrade to homosapiens is almost 300 billion to 1. They have been found alive in virtually every climate and have survived mass extinctions outlasting millions of other species. Objectively speaking: this is a tardigrade planet. Tonight: Karaoke night.
Taurus
It has been said that sometimes those that have the most trouble aclimating to society have an overabundance of some good quality. True kindness or honesty or a strong sense of justice hinder their ability to assimilate, or more to the point: follow the rules. And while this might be difficult to reconcile for most of the law abiding population, you should take some comfort that maybe the reason you've been such a fuck up lately is just that you're just better than everybody else. This Week: learn that violent femmes song on guitar again.
Gemini
On January 15, 1919 around lunchtime in Boston, Mass. a large storage tank of molasses burst and flooded the streets killing 21 people and injuring over 100 more. When's the last time you even had some molasses? i'm not even sure what i'd do with molasses if I got some. would it come in a jar or a can? Goes to show: what kills you now might not even really exist in 100 years. Weekend Plans: shoe shopping.
Cancer
When you were born your body barely even functioned. Your legs couldn't walk, your hands couldn't grab, your brain could barely even think. You didn't even have teeth yet. But one thing you could do was scream. boy did you scream! if you've ever been anywhere in public (or if you have kids of your own) you know that children are incredibly loud. Your volume capacity starts off strong. Soft spoken adults probably hit their highest decibles as a child! There's no lesson to that, it's just weird is all. Tonight: practice laughing at your own jokes
Leo
They say that if suddenly we were able to talk to Lions that they would be impossible to understand because of the great divide of experience. Leos are similiar in that way. They are the freaks of the astrological chart and really have no buisness attempting to communicate their absurd thoughts and feelings. By all means, cuddle a Leo, but don't ask them any questions. This morning: please refrain from pork products.
Virgo
I'm not talking to Virgos right now. You know what you did. Tonight: go fuck yourself.
Libra
Last saturday Steve told Sarah that you weren't in love with Peter anymore. Sarah of course told Jimmy (pete's ride or die) and now you're gonna have to "have a talk" with Peter. All of this is just a real drag because yeah, you're not in love with Peter but he's a nice enough guy and he has a really nice house and you thought maybe you could crash there until you move to Chicago in the fall. Now you'll probably have to crash on Steve and Sarah's couch all because they're the most gossipy couple in the whole goddamn world. Well, you're not gonna do a single dish while you're there. take that, snitches. Next month: Raw legume diet.
Scorpico
When you look at art historically, it seems to lean conventional until fairly recently. However knowing what we now understand about human nature and our own wild brains we can only surmise that there were always weirdos trying to fuck up art--they just didn't get written about. Take joy in thinking about the cave man who wanted to pound rocks in 7/4 time or the greek sculptor who just wanted to sculpt porcupines fucking. Great geniuses, lost to time. Tonight: warm milk and hashish.
Sagittarius
I'm giving you the heady shit because I know the sagis (my little nickname for ya'll) are a real brainy bunch. Dig this: Life feels so significant to us but is objectively insignificant. The struggle with this dichotimy defines modern humanity. Everything we do is an exploration of the struggle between finding meaning and seeking pleasure. Sometimes I think these two things are the same. sometimes I think they couldn't be more different. What do you think? Tommorow: Bike down to the quarry at midnight. Bring the stuff.
Capricorn
Two trains leave stations 300 miles apart at the same time and travel towards each other. One train travels at 74 miles per hour and another travels at 90 miles per hour. Are you currently dreaming? How do you know? Last week: Paint the garage already.
Aquarius
Let's face it by the time a horoscopist gets to your sign they're pretty spent. I'm not gonna lie to you, I've got pretty much nothing left. Build a fort in your backyard, meditate and it'll all come to you i'm sure. Tonight: Maybe do taco night a little early this week. spice things up.
Pisces
If it rains tonight you'll have five years of bad luck. not consecutively though and you can choose which years. Tommorow: try the claw game in the lobby one more time, then you can admit defeat forever.
